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A policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his cap below off.
“Shall I run and get it for you Sir?” asked the prisoner obligingly.
The policeman immediately retorted…”You think I am a damn fool. You stand here, and I will get it.” ~ Funniest Jokes!
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An old couple was having dinner one summer night. All of a sudden the lights went off due to load shedding. The husband lit a candle and they continued with their dinner. He finished his meal and saw his wife perspiring. He got up with the intention of putting on the fan. Sensing this his wife looked at him inquiringly.
Husband: “I will switch on the fan, dear!”
Wife: “What, you want me to eat in the dark?” she cried.
Husband: “Why?”
She retorted immediately.. “Don’t you have any common sense? If you switch on the fan, won’t it blow out the candle?”
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A little boy was cycling round the block on his new bike. His mother had told him to be careful. He went round the first time and as he came round he shouted to her.. “Look mum, no hands.”
Then he went round a second time, and as he came round, he shouted, “Look mum, no feet.”
Then he went round a third time, and as he came round, he said.. “Look mum, no teeth.”
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A man was talking to his friend about his son-in-law..
“He can’t drink and he can’t play cards.”
“That’s nice,” commented his friend. “You are fortunate to have a son-in-law like that.”
“No,” said the man and continued.. “He can’t afford to drink, and he drinks…He can’t afford to play cards, but he plays.” ~ Funniest Jokes!
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A housewife answered her doorbell to find a man collecting money for a poor woman in the block. He said the old woman owed him money for local and groceries and was about to be evicted because she owed four month’s rent.
“Sir,” the housewife said, “It’s nice of you to take it on yourself to get money for the poor woman. Who are you?”
The man replied… “I’m the landlord,” replied the man. ~ Funniest Jokes!
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“My boyfriend is an electrician.”
“Oh, is he your current boyfriend?”
“No, he’s alternating between me and the girl next door.”
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On her death bed, she said to her husband, “I know you will marry again some day, and that’s alright. She will live in this house, and sleep in our bed and use my dishes, and that’s alright. But I want you to promise me one thing…I don’t want your next wife to wear my clothes.” ~ Funniest Jokes!
The husband responded.. “Alright, I promise. Your clothes wouldn’t fit her anyway.”
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“Now,” soothed the psychiatrist, “tell me about this dream you had.”
“Well,” said his female patient, “I dreamed I was walking down the street with nothing on but a hat.”
“And were you embarrassed?”
She replied.. “Yes, I was. It was last year’s hat.”
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Jack: “Why were you running down the street yesterday?”
Sam: “I was trying to prevent a fight between two fellows.”
Jack: “Who were they?”
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A college student was boasting that he had been to all hospitals in the town. Suddenly, one of the boys said..”I don’t believe that.”
“Why not?”
“Have you been to Maternity Hospital?”
The boy answered…”Of course, I was born there.”
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At three in the morning, a man was walking hurriedly towards the station to catch the train, when he noticed flames coming from a garment factory. He rushed into the factory and found the owner filling a bucket from a large tank and pouring the contents into the furious flames. The bucket was too small and the passer-by told the owner that it was better to call the fire department as what he was doing would not help.
The owner replied emphatically, “Of course it helps.”
And he continued…”It is petrol.”
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On seeing the progress card presented to him the father shouted at the son…”Are you not ashamed to get such low marks in all the subjects?”
The boy replied…”Daddy, see the card properly. This is not mine. It is yours, which I picked from the old trunk.”
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“You used to hold my hand when we were courting,” she said as they were lying side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.
“Then you used to kiss me,” she purred. He turned over, gave her a soft kiss, and then turned over again, trying to sleep.
“After that, you used to bite my neck.”
With this the husband got up.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth,” he grumbled.
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“To please my wife, I have given up smoking, drinking and gambling,” a fellow told his friend.
“That must make her very happy,” said the friend.
“No, it has not,” said the man and continued…
“Now every time she begins to talk to me, she can’t think of anything to say. So she feels miserable.”
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He: “Please, darling, whisper those little words that will make me walk in the air.”
She gave him a fitting reply…
She: “Go hang yourself.”
