1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
4. This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?, Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on.”
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse called.”
5. A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
Doctor, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100? That depends,” says the doctor.
-Do you smoke?
-No
-Do you drink?
-No
-Do you fool around with loose women?
-Of course not
-Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another
40 years?
6. Patient: Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what’ll happen to me, am I gonna die?
Doctor: Well everyone is going to die some day, you know…
Patient: Oh my God! What have I done? Now we’re all gonna die!
7. Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!
-So who’s the lucky man?
-The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist.
8. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”